Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Porn Palace


I repeat myself: all pretty women in my work neighborhood started their lives as men. The one exception is women who dress in velour or terrycloth Juicy Couture tracksuits – the kind with Juicy across the ass – and carry roller luggage. If you followed them, they’d lead you past scaffolding on Polk Street to Bread and Butter liquors. There, they’d either buy water, an energy drink or juice, before walking across the street to the Mitchell Brothers Theatre, a porn palace in the Tenderloin.

Yesterday, while walking to my parking lot, I looked at the scaffolding that traverses the west wall of the porn palace. It has been there for almost 4 months. In the past week they encased the lower half in plywood, blocking what little light filtered to the sidewalk. It is so dark they added lighting. Since the plywood, the sidewalk has become a hiding spot for drunks, junkies and opportunists. It pissed me off and taints my relationship with porn.

My experience with porn is little. In Vancouver, we (band) ate lunch at the No. #5 strip club. It was more like Hooters. Business people – men and women – dined next to us, while topless, innocuous strippers were ignored on a rather large stage. It wasn’t what I expected. We went there because the rumor around town was that Jon Bon Jovi contracted HIV at the club. This has yet to confirmed.

I’ve been to a few bachelor parties where porn played in the background on a TV and enjoyed pay preview porn with my old lady at hotels, early in our relationship. Basically, I’m a prude or repressed or both or something else. I blame this on late masturbation, LM for short. Let me clarify: I never masturbated until after I had sex. This is not bullshit. As much as it fucked me up (I think, maybe not…not really), it helped me get through high school without obsessing on girls. Who knew?

My biggest porn achievement happened on the Bay Bridge. On my way to work, while listening to morning radio, one of the DJs mentioned a site called youporn, a play on youtube.

Up until then I occasionally visited porn sites (back when ubiquitous popup ads advertised porn websites)but never paid for anything. I just looked at the front page and then quickly closed the window, fearful that the law would be knocking on my door and seizing my computer.

Youporn opened up a whole new door into the world of porn. And it was free. Like everything new, I was fascinated at first, but I mainly used it as a tool before going asleep. And lets face it, isn’t porn just a tool to masturbate? Am I right? And when you’re done, your interest drops to zero? God, I hope this is true because watching a half hour of porn would be excruciating.

What intrigues me most about youporn is the lack of pubic hair on everybody. The fetish fatties, trendy MILFs, bears, bikers, frat boys and fake lesbians - everybody!! Everybody is shaved. Don’t they itch? I’ve had crabs enough times to know that when you shave down there it itches like hell.

Today at work, I was bitching about the scaffolding at the porn palace. There was nothing to talk about and I was hoping someone could shed some light on why it has been up for 4 months. Nobody knew but they did shed some light on the porn palace, which I encouraged:

Richard, a good looking man in his 40s, blessed with a body of a fit 20 year old, said that he visited the porn palace a few days after arriving in SF. He claims that he thought it was an aquarium because of the aquarium mural on 2 sides of the building.

When he entered, thinking it was an aquarium, a man (barker) led him to the main stage, where strippers were honing their skills. I asked him if he thought the “man” was a docent. The story is complete bullshit but what wonderful bullshit it is.

Of course, Richard met a stripper that day and began dating her. Richard could get a date at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival.

Another co-worker described two fantasy rooms in the porn palace. One room was called the shower room where women showered together and the other – the more interesting of the two – was called the Copenhagen Room. Before entering the pitch-black Copenhagen Room, they give you a flashlight. As you explore the room with your flashlight, you encounter girl-on-girl action hiding in the corners and standing in the middle of the room. I assume this room is very popular. Add adventure and a sexual scavenger hunt and you’ve got a hit.

The last co-worker anteed up a story about having sex with a prostitute at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada. It was an unremarkable story except that the prostitute he was having sex with kept stopping to check his pupils. As the act went on longer and longer, she kept stopping and checking his pupils, accusing him of being on speed. He wasn’t on drugs, just a very controlled man. And she didn’t like that. She liked her sex fast.

4 comments:

  1. This may sound a bit silly, but I recently met an interesting girl who works part-time as a dancer at a strip club and I think she's not only beautiful, but smart and fun to talk to....do you think it's possible to have a relationship with a hot stripper, or is this a horrible idea?

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  2. It may end bad and you might have to shave your body, specifically your pubes, but i'd do it, even if she is a "part-time" dancer. Strippers need love too. Good luck.

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