The Little Cowboy

I heard it before I saw him.  Not the low rhythmic bass and rattling of a passing car, the bass getting louder and louder and then slowly dissipating. No, it was familiar. I knew the song but it was out of context and getting louder and louder –tinny and trebly.

Parked in front of the Quik Stop, I craned my neck left and right. Nothing. In front of me a man poked his index finger at the Red Box screen. From experience, I knew the screen was troublesome and was a bit perturbed they never fixed it. A cardboard sign the size of a refrigerator box was hammered to a pole near the entrance – the head of a three-inch nail protruding from the top of the sign – saying “Lost Dog 510-5623-696.” No description of the dog. To the left of Red Box a digital sign boasted lottery winnings; below the sign propane tanks stood locked in a white, steel meshed cage. Like grocery stores offering rental carpet and hardwood floor cleaners, gas stations and convenience stores are taxed with the burden of keeping barbecues in propane. It seems to me that a hardwood store is better suited for this type of thing. It’s just one of those things you don’t question.

I should’ve been in the store refilling my 44-ounce recycled cup with Diet Pepsi, but I wanted to see where the loud sound was coming from. It was getting closer and clearer. I sat in the car, knowing it was heading my way.

A new Honda Civic with lightly tinted windows pulled in the parking lot and parked immediately to my right. The driver turned off the car and looked at his phone, his shoulders and head tilted toward the device.  Silence. It wasn’t him, obviously.

Through the passenger side window, the car came into view. Turning left into the lot, past the “lost dog” sign, the car pulled next to the new Honda – windows open, volume loud. All three of us were lined in a row: me looking at the old Honda driver, the new Honda driver looking at his phone and the old Honda driver staring directly at the new Honda driver. I appeared to be the only one

Knowing something transpired that brought both of them here, to a convenient store parking lot in Castro Valley, CA., I stayed put and waited them out, delaying my 44 oz. soda.

I stole glances at the two: new Honda still on his phone and the other staring directly at the new Honda driver, music still permeating the parking lot like fog.

I started humming the song.

He came on a summer’s day

Bringing gifts from far away

I knew it, I knew it.

The sailors say, "Brandy, you're a fine girl" (you're a fine girl)
"What a good wife you would be" (such a fine girl)
"Yeah, your eyes could steal a sailor from the sea”

My mind flashed to Michael Stipe sitting in the back of a limousine, sporadically singing Brandy by Looking Glass. A camera zoomed in on his face while he sang.

The sailors say, "Brandy, you're a fine girl" (you're a fine girl)
"What a good wife you would be" (such a fine girl)

He hums, looks out the window and then turns to the camera. “Sexist,” he says. Yes, it is, Michael.

A staple of mellow gold 70’s rock, Brandy was a one-hit wonder from a band called Looking Glass. I think they were Scandinavian. I know this because I had the single when I was young. I still remember it: yellow label on Epic records.  It got lots of play.

Appearing that the standoff was going nowhere, I exited the car and lingered, discreetly looking in the direction of the old Honda, as not to draw the ire of the old Honda. At first glance, it was obvious he possessed “the anger.”

Even though he was sitting in the driver’s seat, window open with his left arm leaning out the window, I was able to get a pretty good composite of him: late 70’s, bone thin, under 5’ 8” with straight grey hair to the ears and a rare, straight devil beard, the kind you can brush and style. Even with the advanced age, his face was boyish and his wiry disposition gave off a “don’t fuck with me” vibe. Given his looks, he would do well in a tight pair of Wranglers, old Durango work boots, a western shirt and a straw cowboy hat. Maybe at one time he was like this, but his bucolic days were behind him, replaced by Walmarts, urban trailers parks and an old Civic with bondo on the door.

Appearing nothing was going to happen, I entered the Quik Stop and filled my soda, gently placing the lid, with the straw already inserted, on top of the cup, to avoid spillage. I was a pro.

Walking to the counter, I slurped the soda that slipped through straw hole. Overfilling will do this. The man behind the counter and I exchanged our dance of “hellos, thank yous and have a nice days,” as we have 100s of times. Neither of us willing to further the relationship with the truth of “how are you?”

I push open the left glass door with my right palm, avoiding my fingers touching the glass, like a germaphobe. Expecting for all the players to be in position upon my return, the little cowboy in the old Honda was gone. But Brandy was still present, albeit faint, like it was coming the other side of the building.

 I was a bit disappointed that the little cowboy was gone, but the story was going nowhere – just three cars in a parking lot.  Nothing was going to happen.

I got in my car, rolled down the windows and exited on the east side of the parking lot. The faint sound of Brandy was still in the air and getting louder.

In my rearview mirror, I see the old Honda pull into the parking lot and park in his old spot. The window is down, Brandy is on loop and the staring resumes.

Give The Homeless What They Want

1989

Being an FNG (fucking new guy) got me the worst taxi on the lot: a beat up, late ‘80s Ford station wagon with a governor, which prevented me from going over 55 mph, and an ignition that didn’t require a key. All you had to do was turn it. No key needed. The governor wasn’t a big deal since you were mostly on city streets. It only became an issue when you were racing back to the airport on a “short.” That’s cabbie talk. I worked for City Cab. We called it Shitty Cab. I was definitely in a shitty cab.

Heading north on Larkin, I pulled into a red zone at Geary. The red zone was roomie so the long wagon fit perfectly.

A wad of cash bulged from the right pocket of my brown Levi cords. It was after midnight and I was doing well, so the bulge loomed large.  To my right the Century Theater advertised Live Naked Girls and a block away the Mitchell Brothers Theater advertised the same. I regularly drove handfuls of men in suits to both, and shuttled strippers and happy-ending masseuses to different parlors, clubs and drawn out wild-goose searches for drugs. The suits usually asked about the credibility and status of the clubs they were going to and the strippers usually sexualized the ride, offering empty compliments and feigning interest in me in hopes of sway. After 2 a.m., the latter extended invitations to “party.” Tempting as it was, I never got out of the cab. They were always angling for a free ride.

Before walking into the liquor store at Larkin and Geary, I glanced up at 901 Geary, a 6 story SRO hotel on the edge of the Tenderloin. Work took me into this hotel, every now and then. Anytime I passed the hotel, I thought about an index card pinned to a bulletin board in the lobby of the hotel: For Sale, Iron Broad, $5, Knock on Room 401, If Interested. I stared at the 4x6 card and thought, “What the hell is an iron broad?”  It took some time, but I figured it out: Ironing Board. At the time, I was prepared to knock on room #401, 5 bucks in hand, and buy an iron broad. To me, and iron broad hails from the Balkans and stomps wherever she goes.

A homeless man asked for change as I walked past. I nodded and continued through the doors of the liquor store. The store was small, poorly lit and crowded, reeking of Freon and wet wood. They all smelled like this. I was tall so I could see over the isles, identifying the refrigerators.  I grabbed a 12-ounce Diet Pepsi and made my way to the register, my right hand resting against the rolled-up cash in my pocket. I stopped, turned around and went back to the refrigerators. Passing the small soda section, I stopped at the large beer section. I opened the glass door and grabbed a 40-ounce Mickey’s Big Mouth. The clerk put the Mickey’s in a perfectly sized brown bag. I reached in my right pocket and slapped a few earned dollars on the counter.

Outside, the homeless man was still crumpled against the liquor store wall. Without stopping to proselytize and pander, I handed him the 40 and said, “Take care, Brother.” His eyes lit up. “Thank you, Man.”

It felt good, really good. I continued up Larkin, making a right on Post.  Post would take me to Union Square where I would find fares. As I drove, I defended my actions in my head. Yes, it was questionable to buy beer for the homeless, but I didn’t care. Spare change, leftover food and choruses of “get a job” were the norm. My new norm would be alcohol for the homeless.

At Powell I picked up a French couple that flew from France to see Metallica at the Cow Palace the following day. I was impressed, but more impressed about my epiphany. From then on, when I encountered a homeless person and there was a liquor store nearby and there was a bulge of money in my pocket and I was in the right mood, I would buy them beer or ½ pints without shame. I was out!!

 2020

If she purchased a bottle of water and two bananas, I wouldn’t have noticed her.  She would’ve been like millions of other yoga moms out there, sporting a yoga uniform of lycra-mix cropped pants and power tanks, North Face down vests, high ponytails and the dreaded yoga mats slung from their shoulders. I find the latter smug — a beacon to the world that she eats right, volunteers, gives money to the right causes and generally acts in a peaceful, well postured manner. Privileged, as we say. I only noticed her because she purchased a Super Big Gulp of soda and two bananas. Out of character for the stereotype. Not the bananas.

Cradled between Highway 13 and 580, forming a triangle of mishmash housing, 3 hooker motels, 2 storefront churches and a sketchy used car lot, 7-Eleven stands behind a crumbling, 6-space parking lot, 20 yards from the road. The omnipresent Redbox kiosk perched in front, the screen-shade in tatters from use or vandalism. Across the street a chain-link fence divides the freeway from the frontage road. Attached to a section of fence was a large sign that said, “We Love you, Ken Houston. Our Mayor of East Oakland.” The large canvas was attached to the fence with zip ties. When CalTrans took it down, the zip ties remained, hanging like bats.

On the other side of the 580, Mills College, with their high fences and sprawling meadows, anchors the neighborhood -- their influence trickling back across the freeway with a freshly paved section of road, new sidewalks, a bike path and the replacement of the archetypal upside-down cane-like street lamps with quaint, candle-like lamps.  If you were to drive on the road, you would think the city favored the left side of the street and disliked the 7-Eleven side of the road.

The yoga mom was in front me. Staring at her high ponytail, she placed 2 bananas and her Super Big Gulp on the counter. She paid and walked out the door. That was the end of it. I wouldn’t see her again nor would I think of her. Like a dream, my thoughts of her would fade.

I put my recycled 44-ounce plastic cup full of Diet Pepsi on the counter and paid in change. My pockets always carried at least 2 dollars in quarters, dimes and nickels.

Pushing opening the glass double-doors, I made a slight left, following the sidewalk to my car. The homeless man was still slumped against the wall, his hair, face and hands the color of dirt, his clothes stiff and emanating a slight sheen. In front of him on the concrete, 2 bananas, like a blackjack hand. I looked around for yoga mom and saw a grey Audi Q8 pulling out onto MacArthur without two bananas, confirming my cavalier analysis of yoga mom.

Having acknowledged the homeless man on the way in, I felt it was redundant and/or too liberal to acknowledge him on the way out.  I nodded, though.  Sitting in the driver’s seat of my Prius, I pressed the ignition button. I plugged in my phone and pressed Bluetooth on the display screen. I stared at the 2 bananas. The 2 fucking bananas.

I pressed the ignition button again, opened the door and walked back into the 7-Elelven. The homeless man asked again for change and I slightly nodded. This was the third time in 5 minutes that we exchanged this consumer/homeless dance. I was in uncharted water of how to act.

The beer fridge occupied the full southern wall of the 7-Elelven. I moved with purpose to the fridge and grabbed a 40 of Colt 45. It was the cheapest. I struggled a bit with getting the cheapest beer, my internal privilege being questioned, but all the choices were crap. It’s a 40-ouncer. It’s beer.

“Thirsty, eh?” the man behind the counter sassed. “Yep,” I nodded. Explaining what I was doing would be pointless.  There was a level of anonymity I needed to adhere to incase the homeless man drinks the 40, takes off his clothes and writhes against the floor-to-ceiling windows of the 7-Eleven. In this case, I could be held responsible for his actions. I imagined the man that sassed me looking at the security tape of me giving the homeless man beer and saying, “That’s him. That’s the guy. The tomato face, Will Ferrell looking guy. He gave him the beer. Get him??” Of course, he would be saying this to a cop. The police would come to my house, take me away and parade me down Piedmont Street as the guy that gives alcohol to the homeless not food or money. Bystanders would throw organic tomatoes at me.

This wasn’t gonna happen.

Without stopping to proselytize and pander, I handed the 40 to the homeless man and said, “Take care, Brother.” His eyes lit up. “Thank you, Man. You want these bananas?”

“Nope.”

Vindication.

The Lying Voice

Walking west on Center, I look down and notice the dirty sidewalk. It’s dirtier than usual. I’m used to dirt, blight, crime, dumping, shit, etc., so it doesn’t bother me. It should. I was just noting the difference between dirty and gross. Gross status involves vomit and human feces, so, I guess I was lucky, the streets weren’t that bad.

The light is red at Milvia. In front of me, the beginning of a farmer’s market occupies the 1900 block of Center. Vendors are setting up their booths with tents, tables and product; early birds are milling about, eyeing the urban farmers. Most are boomers with recycled bags.

“It’s terror of the flames!” The scream was loud, almost a bark, echoing off the civic buildings. I look up and see no one matching the description of such dramatic words. I’m the only one at the light, so I wait.

“It’s terror of the flames!” Again.

“It’s terror of the flames!”

Every 5 seconds it comes again, like the barker is working off a click track.

“It’s terror of the flames!”

Obscured by a row of booths on the north side of the street, the barker comes into view, flanked by one security guard. The guard is smirking, knowing this is just the first of many flanks. It’s Berkeley. He walks him to the end of the block and lets him loose with the others: an eastern block woman with kids who are picked up at the end of day by a mini-van full of other eastern bloc families; Street Sheet peddlers and a mixture of shitty musicians and run-of-the-mill homeless.

I watch as the barker is returned to his people. He looks a lot like Allen Ginsberg – Gallagher-bald, rimmed glasses and an air of academia -- and is carry of a cloth satchel that hangs a little below his left hip. The satchel is out of character. He must be nouveau homeless. If you cleaned him up a bit, he could easily be writing poetry in front of Café Med on Telegraph. Homeless poet, I like that. He continues to bark every 5 seconds.

The light turns and I walk to my destination, halfway down the block. A no nonsense cop is out front talking to two young people, as I approach. I move past them and reach for the door.

“Are you here for the test?” she says, slighting blocking my path to the door. She’s tall, svelte, boyish and intimidating. No bullshit. My sister would love her.

“Yes,” I say.

“Did you park in a lot or on the street? The door will be locked during the test, so there’s no leaving to feed a meter.”

“I’m in a lot,” I said. The confirmation email for the test said to park in a lot. So I did.

She turned her head to the other two:

“I walked.”

“I’m in a lot, too.”

The cop opened the door and said to walk down the stairs and follow the signs. We were the last to be admitted. Anyone after us would be met with a stern rebuke, I assumed.

The building was all angles and concrete. Newer but made to look art deco: painted metal instead of copper. The name of the building was written in Frank Lloyd Wright font. It’s the official font of Berkeley, I think.

The 3 of us entered a large office room with 20 rectangular desks, 4 chairs to a desk. 37 people occupied the 20 desks. We were told to sit at a desk with one person. We made 40 people. This scene would repeat itself 4 more times in two days. 200 people for 3 dispatching jobs. This is how they recruit for high pay, low education jobs. I applied for a job at BART that accepted 3000 applications for one job. I didn’t get it, but 2,998 other people didn’t get it, either. There’s some comfort in that.

Before starting the three-hour test, two HR people from the City of Berkeley spoke. They were friendly and encouraging. They must’ve been new because most HR people are beaten down from carrying the burden of employee secrets. Most look like they’re missing a quart of blood.

Tag teaming, they explained the test: 11 sections of multiple-choice answers, focusing on verbal ability, reasoning, memory and perceptual ability, what ever that is. I tried familiarizing myself with the material before the test, but it appeared to me the test was common sense and relied more on your individual talent to talk, type and listen at the same time, while conveying everything in a clear, concise and articulate manner. Some people are good at sports, some aren’t.  It’s kinda like that. Attention to detail was not my thing so I was in trouble.

HR introduced the cop at the door. She was in charge of recruiting or something similar and spoke to us about the arduous process of becoming a dispatcher. For those who passed this test, the next stage was an oral interview, and then a typing test, and then a lie detector test and, finally, some sort of psychological test. She said the oral interview would review our whole lives, start to present, and they’d know if you lied so don’t lie. This made the class uneasy and gave pause to the room.

Most of us had already lied or embellished our resumes, to look more employable. More than likely this variance would be picked up on the lie detector test, so most of the applicants that moved on to the next stage would have to come clean or learn how to lower their blood pressure when they inevitably asked the question: “Did you tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth during the application process?”

For the mishmash of undereducated people in the room, we would learn to lie for a job that paid almost 100k and required only a high school diploma.

After the no-nonsense cop finished her scared-straight act, she introduced a Berkeley dispatcher of 20 years. Dressed in a dark hoodie with a yellow star on the right breast and the words Berkeley Police under the star, he was the opposite of the no bullshit cop. Slightly stooped, laconic and calculated, he said the job was stressful but if you balanced it with an outside life, you’d be fine. That was it. I stared at the yellow star on his hoodie. It looked like a concentration camp star badge.

As the test circulated through the room, I looked at the participants and did the math: I was the oldest in the room by 15 years; 70% of the test-takers were women, the majority African American; And, of the men in the room, I was the only one that was bald. This was all-important, for some reason or another. I was already preparing for defeat. The stated adversity of baldness, age and gender would assuage disappointment and justify doing poorly on the test. If I were younger, hairier and a woman, I would’ve passed. Woe is me.  Even so, I was oddly confident. The stew of the undereducated in front of me was a motely crew. How hard could it be?

The first section was the easiest. Look at two sentences and identify the sentence that is most clearly written. 13 questions. We had had 5 minutes to complete. From there on, the pace picked up and it got harder.

The next section I screwed up. We listened to radio calls and were to assign the calls an A, B or C status, highest priority to lowest. Sounds simple enough, but my inattention to detail kicked in, and I didn’t really comprehend the instructions. By the time I realized my mistake, the test was almost over. I didn’t finish the section and surmised I wrongly answered 9 out of 13 questions, due to the mistake. The disappointment was immediate. My eyes well up. I knew I wouldn’t get the job. I thought of leaving, but I stayed put. On the eve of my 56^th birthday, I was a few months from divorce, had negative $251 dollars in my bank account, unemployed and severely depressed. And, it looked like I wasn’t getting this job. It was beginning to look like I would be joining my new friends at the edge of the farmer’s market.

With the realization that this job wasn’t going to save me, suicidal thoughts crept in. This wasn’t unusual. In the past 6 months, I’ve used suicidal thoughts to ease my anxiety of the future. Self-soothing, if you’re in the know. It’s simple: why worry when you’re not going to be around in the future? However, It was the first time the lying voice in my head said, “Your friends and family are better off without you.” This was new. Up until now, the voice concentrated on me. Now, it was broadening the circle and disinformation. This scared the shit out of me. If the lying voice convinces me of this, it’s all over.

There are no winners in divorce but there are losers. When my marriage fell apart, I realized that who ever has the most money, has the power. Duh. It didn’t matter that I was male and, traditionally, the male moves out and the wife stays in the house, with the male paying alimony and the mortgage. Nope, it looked like I was moving out and would pay exorbitant rent for the worst studio in Oakland, losing all stability and dreams of the future. In this picture, I was the female, but instead of getting the house and a monthly check, I was figuratively moving into a homeless shelter with 2 young kids. A mixture of pride, martyrdom and gender-generational bullshit kept me from asking for more. Or anything.

With a new white trash attitude of fuck it (another form of self-soothing) and an old feeling of suicide ideation, I returned to the test with less vigor and more despair.

Lumbering through the sections, while keeping an eye on the clock, the arc of the test started easy, got gradually harder and then dissipated back to easy. I told myself it didn’t matter. But that was a lie – it mattered a lot. I lied to break the fall.

All hope ended with section 8 of the test. The arc was at the top of the bell curve and planned on dishing out a dollop of hurt. It came with an audio recording of dispatch taking quadrant locations and identifying a shitload of license plates. Quadrant locations came every second in the form of numbers. While we recorded the locations on a piece of paper, we identified 100s of license plate numbers on one piece of paper, double checking the license plates on a separate piece of paper that also contained 100s of license plate numbers. And then we had to mark it true or false on a Scantron. The idea was to do both at the same time. Because the quadrants came so fast, I was barely able to verify the license plate numbers. The end came and I looked down at the Scantron. I finished 9 questions out of…81. I looked up at the clock. The end couldn’t come soon enough.

HR asked us to form a line. The test was over. Sitting at a table near the front, I was either going to be first in line or last. I didn’t want to sit in line and small talk about the test. I jumped up and handed HR the Scantron, the booklet and a myriad of papers with my information on it. I quickly moved to the bathroom and then out the front door. I wanted to the first at the parking lot pay machine before it backed up with test takers.

Outside, the farmer’s market was winding down. Ginsberg was gone and the eastern bloc family was still making money for their human trafficking pimp. I saw no test takers in front of me, so I slowed the urgency of getting their first.

At the pay machine, a woman was finishing up paying for parking. I recognized her from the test.

She turned and said, “How do you think you did?”

“It was harder than I thought,” I responded

“Really? I thought it was pretty easy.”

“Good luck.”

Good luck.”

She was in her mid-20s and wearing tight jeans, heels and sported a side-part bob. She either dressed for the job or had a lunch date after the test.

Defeated, I slowly walked to my car, head down, arms hanging at my sides, the instrumental of Christmas Time as my soundtrack. With suicidal ideation comes depression. Or the other way around. If you were to look at me, you would sense something was wrong. Regardless, I was hungry. Chipotle would suffice. It had parking, wouldn’t be crowded (assumed) and had no pretention of a café or a recommended restaurant. It was a good place to go unnoticed, to sit in the corner and stare at an invisible person across from you. Weird and creepy, but fast food restaurants accepted this kind of behavior. And I had a Chipotle gift card. That was the driving decision.

No one was in line. I ordered my regular chicken quesadilla, chips and soda, and grabbed a paper bio-straw and a mound of napkins from the soda dispensary area. I ate on a stool facing San Pablo Avenue. To my right was REI, an outdoor super store; on the other side was a CVS. A homeless man in a 49ers jersey was pacing out front, peddling something. Every turn of the pace triggered the electric door opener of CVS. This wouldn’t last long.

The restaurant was ¼ filled. Everyone was on their phones. People in wool socks and puffer vests passed by on their way to REI; the sick and errand-runners went the other way.

I Googled “It’s terror of the flames.” It couldn’t be some random words formulated in a mentally ill brain, it had to be something. I was right. It was taken from a larger quote about suicide from David Foster Wallace, the author of the supposed-to-read book Infinite Jest. Fucking homeless poet.

I silently acknowledged the connection. Maybe the homeless poet was talking to me? The bio-straw was soggy from the soda, the cylindrical shape caving in on itself. It was gross. It was time to go. Fuck it.