3 Stories of the Middle Finger

3 Stories of the Middle Finger

Bearded, staring into space, Dave’s stepfather toggled the living room and dining room in his wheelchair. Roofing accident. The brown shag matted with small piles of poop around him. His mother was out. We behaved differently when she was gone.

I walked past his stepfather, nodded and made my way to the back of the house. Dave’s bedroom door was halfway open. He was standing in front of a full-length mirror, giving himself the middle finger.

Like a cowboy from a 60s western drawing his gun and shooting, Dave followed the same process: arms dangling at his side, feet shoulder-width apart, waiting. Perceived slight received, arms raised and forceful middle finger given to imaginary offender. As I watched, I noticed the feigned anger and indignity on his face. Every other middle finger different: balls and no balls flips.

Balls might be the most common: middle finger fully erect or slightly bent with neighboring fingers bent at right angles, slightly protruding forward. In this incarnation, the thumb plays no role; No Balls: middle finger fully erect while thumb pulling back neighboring fingers. If you're arthritic or the dexterity in your fingers is lacking, this is your flip.

I entered his room and we immediately left to go outside, not mentioning the little show he put on. I nodded to his stepfather on the way out.

A few decades later, I’m driving on 580 in Oakland in the number two lane. I’m going the speed of traffic, maybe a little faster, and I’m in an innocuous car -- a car that doesn’t piss off people. A car on my right slowly passes. I glance over and the driver gives me a no balls flip. I immediately throw up my hand and give them a look that says, “What did I do?” Frantically waving his hand like he’s giving directions, contorting his face and finally pointing past me, I deciphered that the flip was not intended for me. In the number one lane, to my left, a car speeded by, the drivers’ arm raised across the passenger seat, giving the finger to the car in the number three lane.  I realized I was in the middle of a two-person flip off. It was a first.

Two hours ago, I’m crossing a 4-lane street in a Prius, EV mode. A car the pisses people off. The traffic clears and I glide across to the left-hand turn lane. Behind me is a black, new Mercedes with no plates. It speeds up and tails me. I’m immediately given a “balls flip” from the driver, the middle finger dramatically bent. It was new, though -- a hybrid between the English palms out, bent, two fingers flip off and the American balls method. That was the first thing I noticed. The second thing was that the driver was handsome – older handsome like Richard Gere in the 1990s.

Through my rearview mirror, I quickly deduced that he was either one of two types of guys: worked on restoring motorcycles or fast cars on a reality show on the Discovery Channel or a tech executive (not a pedestrian tech worker). He had the good looks and cool haircut that both employ.

If I could've seen his jeans, I would've had a better idea. If he were wearing Levis, the reality show theory would be apt. If he were wearing fancy-boy $300 jeans, he would be a tech executive.  The latter prone to taking first dates to Cirque De Soleil, wearing fancy jeans, un-tucked dress shirt, and dress sneakers. Front row, of course.

The light turned green. He quickly passed me on the left. I had to look. Again, he gave me his English-American balls hybrid flip. The passenger, a bland woman for being with such a striking man, whose role is usually the calm voice of “let it go,” got involved, giving me the standard American balls flip.

I blamed it all on the Prius.