Knives

It was a typical Bay Area story: Man exits Fruitvale BART, walks to parking lot and gets a gun pointed in his face by 4 teenagers. 4 teenagers isn’t typical, though. From afar, the terror of getting a gun pointed at you, cop or criminal, is terrifying, but if you’re reading about it, and you’ve lived in the Bay Area long enough, where crime is so common that you rarely report it, it’s easy to think, “Ah, no harm. He just lost his wallet and phone, probably. As long as he didn’t get hurt.” Of course, that’s apathetic and cavalier, driven by trying to make sense of a violent, pointless act.

The victim quickly handed over his wallet and backpack to the criminals. It took just a few seconds. In his backpack were his 7-day-old customized rollerblades and musty gym clothes. He commented that the criminals would be disappointed in their loot. It didn’t say if a cell phone was taken.

All of this was reported in SFGate, San Francisco’s digital edition of the SF Chronicle. Or maybe the Examiner. I’m not sure.

What’s interesting in how they described the victim: Award-winning Rollerblading Journalist. Now, that got my attention. I wasn’t sure if he was an award-winning Journalist or an award-winning rollerblader, if even that exists. I assume a rollerblader would be a 2-time champion rollerblader or something like that, not award-winning. If that wasn't enough, the victim ran a podcast about rollerblading. This guy was big time in the rollerblading community and he kind of preferred to talk about his rollerblading and his rollerblades instead of the robbery. SFGate was fine with this, giving him multiple paragraphs.

As we do in modern society, three rollerblading companies read about the robbery and chipped in to replace his ‘blades.  Because they “chipped in,” no company volunteering to outright buy a new pair of rollerblades for the victim, made me think that fancy rollerblades are expensive. I checked, they are. One pair I saw – a futuristic snow boot with 4 day-glow wheels with mags running down the middle of soles - was over $1000. So, if the criminals could find a very specific buyer for these, they could make some money. However, like me, they probably dismissed them as “stupid rollerblades” and threw them away. Au contraire, Lil Thieves.

I know two things about rollerblading: 1] The 1993 rollerblading movie Airborne, set in Cincinnati, Ohio and starring Seth Green. Green and his single mom move from Los Angeles to Cincinnati, to start over after a divorce. Unfortunately, they move into an apartment complex that’s run by the local rollerblading gang.  Green is a rollerblader, too, and courts the gang’s leader’s girlfriend. Bad move. In the end, Seth and gang leader embark on a 15-minute rollerblading race through the streets of Cincinnati – winner gets girl.  2] My friend Jose is a rollerblader. While skating down the Hayes hill in SF, he hit a car at full-speed. Upon impact, his rib cage collapsed, caving into itself. The visual has never left me.

While down the rollerblading rabbit hole, I looked up rollerblading crimes in the Bay Area. According to SFGate, there were two rollerblading crimes in SF in the past 7 years: 1] 4 men in their early 20s robbed a 29-year-man of his rollerblades on Potrero Hill. They listed the time of robbery as 1:30 am. As we all know, nothing good happens after midnight, especially when you’re wearing rollerblades. However, as drunk a crime as it sounds, they did target the ‘blades. If you’re a thief of honor, I feel it’s polite to ask the victim’s shoe size before robbing them of their ‘blades. If the shoe size is compatible with the perp's shoe size, a follow-up question should be asked: "Do you think they run big or small?" The discerning robber always asks your shoe size. It’s only polite. 2] A Bayview man on rollerblades attempts the theft of a chainsaw at a local hardware store. He was unsuccessful.

Expanding my rollerblading crimes search to America, I find that there was a spat of ‘blades crimes a few weeks ago: Rollerblader robbed of skates while practicing skate routine in parking garage; 25-year-old white man wearing rollerblades robs bakery and convenience store, in two consecutive days; A man wearing a half-shirt and rollerblades robbed a deli in Brooklyn; And, a man in Southern California rolled into a bank and asked to “borrow” money. Meddling customers thwarted his half-ass robbery.

I’m pretty sure there hasn’t been a study on rollerblading crimes, but, unofficially, I’m going to say a pair of rollerblades is stolen every 12 hours in America and every 20 hours a person wearing rollerblades is arrested for robbery. It’s official.  Stay alert USA!