Tiger King

Even though the neighborhood was changing again – new, young, moneyed couples looking for houses under $1,000,000 with an Oakland zip code -- it was still economically and racially diverse (kinda), and, mostly, still very liberal. Or at least it seemed that way.  In fact, our neighborhood was one of the most liberal zip codes in the country. It showed with the cars we drove and the clothes we wore. It’s now very easy to tell liberals and conservatives by their looks, even if they’re not dressed like an American flag.

Unlike us lifers, who were in our forever home and going nowhere, the newbies will more than likely move farther out to a less cooler zip code when their youngest starts kindergarten. They’ll tell their friends Oakland schools suck, mention crime and justify the move with math: a more expensive house in the suburbs was cheaper than sending two kids to private school. Makes sense.

Neighborhood block parties were eventually replaced with Nextdoor, a Facebook-like website for neighbors to chat, plan and complain. Like most everything on the internet, it’s shit-show that devolves into anger over the littlest of slights. Like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, I enthusiastically signed up for Nextdoor, and, like Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, I quickly ignored the platforms, returning only when multiple helicopters were circling overhead or when police cars surrounded a neighbor’s house, to see what the hell was going on. It’s great for these types of answers.

One thing I did notice about Nextdoor, is our neighborhood was filled with all types of liberals: namaste liberals, Subaru liberals, rich liberals, poor liberals, sporty liberals, I-call-it-like-I-see-it liberals, a-person-is-sitting-their-car liberals, etc. And they all tend to think they’re right and offer diverse opinions on innocuous incidents. For example: Someone posted that a car driving through their neighborhood pulled over, and a man got out and pissed in some bushes and then left in the car. I read it and thought,” Yeah? It’s better than shitting between parked cars.” 

Most comments were mostly supportive and middle of the road: “Sorry you had to see that” and “Probably doesn’t live in the neighborhood.” But there were other that took it to the extreme: “If you have video, go to police and have him arrested for exposing himself.” Yes, this person wanted him on the sex offender registry for exposing himself to an imaginary person/child. On the other side was this: “We shouldn’t judge. Maybe the man had a prostate problem and needs to pee every 10 minutes.” Sexual predator, prostate victim, or, more likely, some dude that really had to go to the bathroom. The post racked up 10s of comments and arguing ensued. The many shades of liberalism were on display.

During the early days of the Black Life Matters, when I thought BLM graffiti meant Bureau of Land Management, a rumor spread quickly through our neighborhood that BLM protesters broke into the Oakland Zoo and released tigers. Helicopters were circling and I checked Nextdoor for information.  If this were true, the protesters would have to find their way to our outer Oakland neighborhood, walk a mile uphill from the entrance to the tiger pen, avoiding zoo police and pretty much anyone, and the gate to the pen would have to be open. Also, there’s the little problem of opening the gate and quickly being devoured by the tiger. This rumor had big, gaping holes.

Before the police said it was a hoax, I decided to pen my first Nextdoor post: “Tiger found near Oakland Zoo. Resting in my garage. I gave her some milk and a deer carcass. Her name is Shnookums. DM me, if she’s yours.” Fortunately, the internet provided a photo of a tiger in a garage, with blood all over the floor. I posted the photo and the copy. A few hours later, the post garnered 66 replies and I was laying low. 

The replies clumped together in multiple camps of thought: About 15% of the replies thought I actually found a tiger and was keeping her in my garage. I didn’t expect this. Another group of people didn’t think it was funny, “given the time we live in.” Another group thought it was funny and “just what we needed, given the times.” Another group thought I was an idiot, and the last group argued whether it was appropriate to use humor, “given the times.” I changed my Nextdoor icon to Shnookums and vowed never to do that again.

A few days later, I received an email from Nextdoor informing me that my account was suspended.